Grief comes in all shapes and sizes:

• I have grieved untimely ends to jobs.
• I have grieved when the week of a close-knit circle of friends came to an end.
• I have grieved the loss of a future I had always envisioned when life changed due to illness.
• I have grieved the transition to motherhood, even though I wanted to be a mother more than anything else in the world. A change that big can require grieving, even in the midst of happiness.
• I have grieved with friends at the end of their marriages, and with others who’ve struggled to get pregnant.
• I have grieved with my mother for the life she let go of when my father’s drinking was enough.
• I have grieved the childhood I “should” have had.
• I have grieved little things like the field mouse that died in the trap in my kitchen.
• I have grieved big things like my brother’s untimely death at 40 from chronic alcoholism.

Yes, grief comes in all shapes and sizes, and big or small it must be expressed. Grief finds a way to make itself known one way or another. We can choose to consciously acknowledge it and make space for it in our life. Or we can deny it and wonder why we have no patience with the kids or burst into tears at being cut off in traffic. Unacknowledged grief can manifest itself as irritability, aches and pains, depression and, very often, unexplainable anger. In denying our grief we disassociate these emotions from it which often leads to feelings of confusion – where is this coming from? What’s wrong with me? It can be easy to forget that grief is such a powerful and far reaching force.

What follows is a story of my own grieving process:

A little over a year ago my father was diagnosed with alcohol-related dementia. My father and I had been estranged for years, and although there was no place for him in my present-day life I was no longer angry at him. He needed help finding care, so my mother and I began working to get him the help he needed. It was an arduous process involving lawyers, doctors and my father, who was determined to fight us every step of the way. He was hurtful and abusive at every turn.

In the end it was my sister that took over his care. I was off the hook and left with the disheartening feeling that once again I had lost a father.

When he was diagnosed I made myself a bracelet. It was my “grief bracelet.” The events revolving around my father weren’t always in the forefront of my mind but my sadness was. Sometimes I would even forget the cause of it. Suddenly I’d be yelling at the kids with no good reason. I’d pull up my sleeves and see my bracelet. I’d realize what was going on and apologize. Or I’d be showering and notice that my body ached and I’d wonder if I was coming down with something. I’d touch my bracelet and remember that I wasn’t sick – I was grieving.

Touching my bracelet became almost reflexive. I would feel a wave of sadness looking at the Christmas tree and touch my bracelet and remember – this is grief. I have a reason to be sad. I don’t have to blame this awful feeling on anything else; I don’t hate Christmas. I am grieving (again) the loss of my father and it will pass. All grief passes.

And when Spring came and my role in my father’s latest saga was at an end, I knew I had grieved long enough. It wasn’t just that I didn’t use my bracelet as often or feel quite so sad; it was also that I was also tired of the grief. I was ready to put my grieving behind me. I had symbolically made space for my grief and once it had expressed itself I could symbolically let it go. At my next retreat I left my bracelet, the container of my grief, hanging on a branch of my special tree. And with it I left my time of active grieving; not that I was never again saddened by the events of my father’s recent life, but it came in short, more manageable bursts.

Grieving with Story-Beads gave me someplace to put those feelings of grief. Working with them acknowledged the sadness before it overwhelmed me, and became a comforting presence for me in the times that it did. The beads reminded me what it was that was causing my mood swings when I might have forgotten the real cause. Grieving with Story-Beads allowed me to put down my grief for a while; because the beads symbolized my grieving process I could choose to put the beads down, symbolically laying down my grief as well. My grief was still there when I returned, but the short respite was a welcome and necessary part in my healing, as it could be in yours.

If you would like to have a custom set of beads made for grieving or remembrance, please email me here.

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